Chapter 2

January 21, 1998
Today is the day of strange phone calls. I get a call from my friend Hazel telling me another friend wants to talk to me, but afraid to call. My parents told him I didn’t want to speak to him again, but he heard I was in an accident so he knew that was not true. He will call me again if I promise to answer the phone. I wait by the phone and Trent calls. I try very politely explain it was a bad time because some guy named Devin was going to call, from England. He actually understood and will wait for me to call him back. He said something about seeing the car I was in to jog my memory. Devin calls soon after to say he has been trying to get ahold of me for 3 weeks. I can’t remember the past 3 weeks. I have to rely on my diary to know if I’m crazy like Mom says or if I remember something real. I asked him if I was married. He said yes. I asked if he was there. He said no. I told him about looking at my coin collection and having unique coins. One is a penny from 1926 and a coin with no country named on it. Devin said it was from his mother, I knew her and met him through her. I had a coin she wanted so I traded it for one of the coins in her purse. It is the only British coin I have. He asked me to pick up the coin and try to remember who his mother is. I often have visions when I touch things or people. If I was psychic before, I sure ain’t now. I touched the coin as requested and had my first memory of a beautiful woman tragically killed in a plane crash. I saved a clipping from the paper in my photo album. I wondered why I would save that. I asked Devin if I went to her funeral. He said no, I couldn’t afford the plane ticket to England. Though, I still can’t remember meeting his mother. Mommy saved her televised funeral on tape for me to watch. It was so sad. I can’t believe I knew this famous person. I wonder what she thought of me.

I called Trent back and told everything I spoke to Devin about. He confirmed I knew this celebrity and only spoke to her on the phone. She heard I was psychic through one of my friends I can’t remember now and asked about her husband problems. Trent said I predicted her death. Now I feel terrible not being able to keep her alive with my prediction. I wish she were here now. Mommy took me to a garage where Hazel’s car was being fixed. It was practically done, but Mom wanted me to see it to stir up a memory. She made me sit in the driver’s seat and put my hands on the wheel. All I could see was a rabbit racing across a gravel road and feeling very scared. Trent came over hoping I would remember something. He said he could bring Lacey over tomorrow when he has the day off and we could talk to a counselor again. Mommy time with Danni has been canceled because her father is coming for a visit. When we left the garage Mommy ordered me to never speak to that man again, he is nothing but trouble for her little girl. But Trent is my best friend, always had been, how can I not see him? Anyway, Hazel was glad I remembered something, maybe more memories could return in time. She has forgiven me for crashing her car. To throw me another curve ball, she confesses there is a boy I was suppose to meet the day after my accident and now he blames himself for my amnesia because he didn't want to meet me when this meeting was arranged. She didn't say who this boy was, just that he was sorry. I told her to tell him that he was forgiven. Write later Diary, Michelle

January 22, 1998
Today Mommy announces I am going back to school. I think I'm going back to the 6th grade after a long stay home. No, I'm going back to college and I need to pick the pop I will take with me. I call Trent and inform him that I made a terrible mistake leaving him. Mommy says I don't have amnesia, or any kids, or any husband. I'm just crazy, that's all. Well, if I'm so crazy then why did she take me to the doctor this afternoon demanding pills to make my memory come back. She fought on and on how I have to go back to college to finish my degree, everything has been paid for. It is my last semester until graduation and then I have to pay all my student loans back. There is no room for curve balls. The doctor persisted that there was nothing he could give me to make me the person I was before, I need time to heal. He suggests taking a year off to go through therapy and finish college later. Mommy declares that is not acceptable. She takes me home screaming how stupid doctors are and a waste of money. Trent came by with Lacey and spoke to my Daddy. He called later wanting to know why I wasn't at home like I said I would. How was I suppose to know of this doctor's appointment? Trent wants a divorce because he is sick of my Mommy's mind games. She is so erratic I can't trust her at all. I wish Trent would stop expecting me to control her. He can't even control his bitchy Mom. I am so angry and confused I can't think straight. I wish Hazel would give me her number so I can ask about the doctor's questions. One thing he asked was what happened before the accident to take me back a place in my life full of pain. I can recall things up to the point my sister went to college and I met my best friend. He asked why that is. Mommy had no answer. I wonder what Hazel would say. Write later Diary, Michelle.

January 23,1998
We drove up to Wisconsin for 5 hours to find my college. It is so cold and windy up here. Why did I pick this place? I guess to get away from Mommy and Daddy. My roommate is from Thailand and very sweet. Her name is Chandie because her real name is a mile long and harder to pronounce. Mommy explains my car wreck and asked the RAs to watch out for me. One is a tall blonde named Ashley and the other is Japanese-American named Sarah. Sarah has a girls night planned for next week. I wrote it on my calendar so I won't forget. There is also a meeting for the floor tonight so I can be reintroduced to people I used to know. After my parents leave, I fold a map of the campus and keep on my dresser so I won't forget to take it when I leave. Mommy suggested I do that. I go out to a pizza place with Chandie and we talk about our Christmas vacation. I can't remember mine so I let her do the talking. I notice I don't have pictures of my kids anywhere. Chandie explains I cry a lot when my men refuse to give me pictures of our children. How can men who claim to love me be so mean?

The meeting was surreal too. I was sent back by Ashley to my room to get a pen and paper to take notes since I am prone to forget. I come back, sit in a chair, say hello to Sarah, and while I'm waiting for the meeting to start a girl jumps out of her seat crying out of the room. Everyone in shock, Ashley and Sarah run after her begging to know what's wrong. They come back to announce that Cheyenne claims that I was giving her dirty looks. Huh? I declare I don't know which person is Cheyenne. They tried to explain to her that a car wreck caused my lower lip to droop a little crooked and sometimes I'm cross-eyed, but I am not making faces at her. She eventually calms down calling me a racist bitch. I would like to know what I did unto her to deserve this label. After the meeting, Ashley and Chandie walk me back informing me that Cheyenne kicked out her roommate once and that roomamte was moved to my room so I was to not listen to her bitchiness. She is just a bully who needs to lash out on somebody and I have a stutter so I'm the perfect target. I hope tomorrow is better. Good night Diary, Michelle

January 24, 1998
My first class is anthropology of th Celtic World. I must have had this professor before because she greeted me out in the hallway. After taking roll call, she looks at me funny every time she walks by me in her lecture. I take notes holding my pencil the best I can between my index and middle finger since it hurts too much to write normally. When class is over, Dr. Clement comes to me packing my backpack and asks about my vacation, I seem different. My eyes are vacant or cross-eyed, I hold my pencil strangely, I fix my hair differently, and my shoelaces are tied in knots instead of bows. I admit I was in a car wreck and have memory problems. I pull out my campus map from my pocket to further demonstrate to extent of memory loss. She invites me to her office tomorrow before class so I can have copies of her lecture notes and not write so much in class.

My next class is Mexican History from conquest to present. A boy tries to strike up a conversation with me to strike out with my stuttering and spitting. He changes chairs. Our first test is in 2 weeks so I better take good notes. We also have to do a presentation in front of class on a Mexican subject. I am fearing that day. Later I walk out of the building to realize I went out the wrong door to get to the cafeteria, but which one is the right door? As I struggle to read my map, a boy asked if I was lost. Yeah, I say with tears swelling in my eyes. He points me in the right direction and I walk away. Just as I exit the building again, an Asian boy starts yelling in my face about my infraction of dirty looks at him. I try to squeak out an apology feeling his breath on my face. The boy who gave me directions comes back to tell the other boy that the retard can't talk and he lets me leave. Retard? Is everyone nonwhite here that touchy about how people look at them? I never notice people's expressions when I walk past them and never assume they are talking about me when they use bad words. I was so upset I couldn't eat my lunch and went back to the dorms. Sarah was in her room when I walked by and stopped me to come in her room.

I explained why I was crying and wished I could go home. Sarah gave me a hug saying she knew how I felt. People think because she has an Asian face that she can't speak English or an illegal immigrant off the boat. She was born and raised in California as were her parents before her so she is 100% American. She also advised getting my school books after attending all my classes so I will have a shorter line to wait through. She is so nice, I'm glad to have her as a friend. But still, I want to go home. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Good night, Michelle.

January 27,1998
Sorry Diary for not writing a couple days. I have been sketching on notebook paper calendars for my class assignments. At the beginning of the semester the professors hand out a syllabus of all test dates and assigned reading for all the chapters they will be covering in class. I write down all the test dates and times to start studying for them. Then I write down all the chapters to read and stretch them over days to get all 100 pages read. I have four term papers to write so I better get started right away because I don’t think I have enough room on my word processor for all of them, and I need to tell Mommy I need more ink possibly. Chandie said I did this last semester because I am more organized than her. She suggested typing my papers on the school computers. The problem is I don’t have any disks to save my reports on. My Celtic World class I write in green, History of Mexico in red, History of Japan in blue, History of history in black, and my special topic in Women in History in purple. Each notebook paper side has a month on it.

I got my books yesterday, all 19 of them. All was well getting them and checking out, then I stepped on my shoelace and untied it. I put my book tower down on a step and some girl slaps me on the back of my head calling me a white bitch as if I stopped to tie my shoe to block her path on purpose. Then half way up the staircase some guy, white guy, pushes me into the center railing ordering me out of his way you fucking whore. That was definitely uncalled for. At least his two girlfriends called him a big meanie and helped me pick my books off the stairs. They made him apologize to me. On my way back, three books slid off the top causing half my books to fall into the snow. A nearby boy laughed and walked away. Other people walked by too without helping me. When walking up the stairs to my dorm room, everybody had to point out my shoe was untied. I knew it was untied on the second flight of stairs (I’m on the fourth floor) but didn’t want to get hit in the head for tying it again so I climbed carefully up the steps. I tied it when I finally put my books down. I am going to hate carrying them back when the semester is over. Good night, Michelle

January 29, 1998
Tonight was Movie Night in Sarah's dorm room. Ashley was there when I arrived. I told them both about my strange phone call today. A man claiming to be Devin's daddy called me to expalin how upset Devin was about my amnesia. He suggested sending Devin a Valentine's Day card to him soon since the mail is a little slow going across the ocean. I asked Ashley if she knew who Devin was. She said yes, but didn't tell me who he is. I said that when I asked Devin's father his last name and address that his father refused to tell me his last name. How can I send an envelope overseas without any last name? He said to use the last name Smith, the most common name and place stickers on the envelope flap to know which is my letter. He apparently gets a lot of mail. Why can't my friends who care so much about me not tell me who they are? I'm sorry I don't think I'm going to suddenly recall them and everything will be fine. Everything is not fine. I'm in hell and can't escape. My prison is my head.

Ashley says she understands though I don't think she really does. A group of girls enter the room talking to each other. We all say hello to each other and the girls sit down next to Ashley and I. Sarah is going through her tapes. Changing the subject, I confess to Ashley that I am afraid of my Mexican class speech and getting through it with everyone staring at me while I stamper out words. All of a sudden, Cheyenne storms out of the room. Now she claims I said I was afraid of her and that she stares at me too much. Sarah and Ashley come to my rescue and I say nothing. Cheyenne demands that I be kicked out of the party because she can't handle my presence. Sarah refuses because I have done nothing wrong. Cheyenne permanently leaves and her friends follow her. Other people show up and we watch 2 movies before returning to our dorms. I had a good time eating popcorn, drinking pop, and pointing out other movies that Madeline Stowe has been in. ashley was so happy I remembered something. I have to call Trent to tell hm that. If he will speak to me. Good night Diary, Michelle

January 30, 1998
I start writing notes in the library for my term paper topics. I spend a lot of time in the library now. I even do my homework in it while I'm there when I need a break from searching for books. I went by the giftshop to cash a check for a dime and picked up a Valentine for Devin. I found stickers of hearts to place on the envelope flap. While I was there, I got cards for other people too. One for Trent, one for my Mommy, one for Hazel, one for Lacey, one for Danni, and one for my sister. The black girl who checked out my merchandise was very nice so I was glad a nonwhite person didn't snap at me for looking at them the wrong way. I must come often to cash checks because the guy said my name before I wrote out my check. He asked if I did something different with my hair. I said I needed a change to something simple. he agreed. At least things are getting better. I hope Cheyenne gets over her problem with me. I don't thnk I can handle the stress. Good night Diary, Michelle.