Chapter 2

January 21, 1998
Today is the day of strange phone calls. I get a call from my friend Hazel telling me another friend wants to talk to me, but afraid to call. My parents told him I didn’t want to speak to him again, but he heard I was in an accident so he knew that was not true. He will call me again if I promise to answer the phone. I wait by the phone and Trent calls. I try very politely explain it was a bad time because some guy named Devin was going to call, from England. He actually understood and will wait for me to call him back. He said something about seeing the car I was in to jog my memory. Devin calls soon after to say he has been trying to get ahold of me for 3 weeks. I can’t remember the past 3 weeks. I have to rely on my diary to know if I’m crazy like Mom says or if I remember something real. I asked him if I was married. He said yes. I asked if he was there. He said no. I told him about looking at my coin collection and having unique coins. One is a penny from 1926 and a coin with no country named on it. Devin said it was from his mother, I knew her and met him through her. I had a coin she wanted so I traded it for one of the coins in her purse. It is the only British coin I have. He asked me to pick up the coin and try to remember who his mother is. I often have visions when I touch things or people. If I was psychic before, I sure ain’t now. I touched the coin as requested and had my first memory of a beautiful woman tragically killed in a plane crash. I saved a clipping from the paper in my photo album. I wondered why I would save that. I asked Devin if I went to her funeral. He said no, I couldn’t afford the plane ticket to England. Though, I still can’t remember meeting his mother. Mommy saved her televised funeral on tape for me to watch. It was so sad. I can’t believe I knew this famous person. I wonder what she thought of me.

I called Trent back and told everything I spoke to Devin about. He confirmed I knew this celebrity and only spoke to her on the phone. She heard I was psychic through one of my friends I can’t remember now and asked about her husband problems. Trent said I predicted her death. Now I feel terrible not being able to keep her alive with my prediction. I wish she were here now. Mommy took me to a garage where Hazel’s car was being fixed. It was practically done, but Mom wanted me to see it to stir up a memory. She made me sit in the driver’s seat and put my hands on the wheel. All I could see was a rabbit racing across a gravel road and feeling very scared. Trent came over hoping I would remember something. He said he could bring Lacey over tomorrow when he has the day off and we could talk to a counselor again. Mommy time with Danni has been canceled because her father is coming for a visit. When we left the garage Mommy ordered me to never speak to that man again, he is nothing but trouble for her little girl. But Trent is my best friend, always had been, how can I not see him? Anyway, Hazel was glad I remembered something, maybe more memories could return in time. She has forgiven me for crashing her car. To throw me another curve ball, she confesses there is a boy I was suppose to meet the day after my accident and now he blames himself for my amnesia because he didn't want to meet me when this meeting was arranged. She didn't say who this boy was, just that he was sorry. I told her to tell him that he was forgiven. Write later Diary, Michelle

January 22, 1998
Today Mommy announces I am going back to school. I think I'm going back to the 6th grade after a long stay home. No, I'm going back to college and I need to pick the pop I will take with me. I call Trent and inform him that I made a terrible mistake leaving him. Mommy says I don't have amnesia, or any kids, or any husband. I'm just crazy, that's all. Well, if I'm so crazy then why did she take me to the doctor this afternoon demanding pills to make my memory come back. She fought on and on how I have to go back to college to finish my degree, everything has been paid for. It is my last semester until graduation and then I have to pay all my student loans back. There is no room for curve balls. The doctor persisted that there was nothing he could give me to make me the person I was before, I need time to heal. He suggests taking a year off to go through therapy and finish college later. Mommy declares that is not acceptable. She takes me home screaming how stupid doctors are and a waste of money. Trent came by with Lacey and spoke to my Daddy. He called later wanting to know why I wasn't at home like I said I would. How was I suppose to know of this doctor's appointment? Trent wants a divorce because he is sick of my Mommy's mind games. She is so erratic I can't trust her at all. I wish Trent would stop expecting me to control her. He can't even control his bitchy Mom. I am so angry and confused I can't think straight. I wish Hazel would give me her number so I can ask about the doctor's questions. One thing he asked was what happened before the accident to take me back a place in my life full of pain. I can recall things up to the point my sister went to college and I met my best friend. He asked why that is. Mommy had no answer. I wonder what Hazel would say. Write later Diary, Michelle.

January 23,1998
We drove up to Wisconsin for 5 hours to find my college. It is so cold and windy up here. Why did I pick this place? I guess to get away from Mommy and Daddy. My roommate is from Thailand and very sweet. Her name is Chandie because her real name is a mile long and harder to pronounce. Mommy explains my car wreck and asked the RAs to watch out for me. One is a tall blonde named Ashley and the other is Japanese-American named Sarah. Sarah has a girls night planned for next week. I wrote it on my calendar so I won't forget. There is also a meeting for the floor tonight so I can be reintroduced to people I used to know. After my parents leave, I fold a map of the campus and keep on my dresser so I won't forget to take it when I leave. Mommy suggested I do that. I go out to a pizza place with Chandie and we talk about our Christmas vacation. I can't remember mine so I let her do the talking. I notice I don't have pictures of my kids anywhere. Chandie explains I cry a lot when my men refuse to give me pictures of our children. How can men who claim to love me be so mean?

The meeting was surreal too. I was sent back by Ashley to my room to get a pen and paper to take notes since I am prone to forget. I come back, sit in a chair, say hello to Sarah, and while I'm waiting for the meeting to start a girl jumps out of her seat crying out of the room. Everyone in shock, Ashley and Sarah run after her begging to know what's wrong. They come back to announce that Cheyenne claims that I was giving her dirty looks. Huh? I declare I don't know which person is Cheyenne. They tried to explain to her that a car wreck caused my lower lip to droop a little crooked and sometimes I'm cross-eyed, but I am not making faces at her. She eventually calms down calling me a racist bitch. I would like to know what I did unto her to deserve this label. After the meeting, Ashley and Chandie walk me back informing me that Cheyenne kicked out her roommate once and that roomamte was moved to my room so I was to not listen to her bitchiness. She is just a bully who needs to lash out on somebody and I have a stutter so I'm the perfect target. I hope tomorrow is better. Good night Diary, Michelle

January 24, 1998
My first class is anthropology of th Celtic World. I must have had this professor before because she greeted me out in the hallway. After taking roll call, she looks at me funny every time she walks by me in her lecture. I take notes holding my pencil the best I can between my index and middle finger since it hurts too much to write normally. When class is over, Dr. Clement comes to me packing my backpack and asks about my vacation, I seem different. My eyes are vacant or cross-eyed, I hold my pencil strangely, I fix my hair differently, and my shoelaces are tied in knots instead of bows. I admit I was in a car wreck and have memory problems. I pull out my campus map from my pocket to further demonstrate to extent of memory loss. She invites me to her office tomorrow before class so I can have copies of her lecture notes and not write so much in class.

My next class is Mexican History from conquest to present. A boy tries to strike up a conversation with me to strike out with my stuttering and spitting. He changes chairs. Our first test is in 2 weeks so I better take good notes. We also have to do a presentation in front of class on a Mexican subject. I am fearing that day. Later I walk out of the building to realize I went out the wrong door to get to the cafeteria, but which one is the right door? As I struggle to read my map, a boy asked if I was lost. Yeah, I say with tears swelling in my eyes. He points me in the right direction and I walk away. Just as I exit the building again, an Asian boy starts yelling in my face about my infraction of dirty looks at him. I try to squeak out an apology feeling his breath on my face. The boy who gave me directions comes back to tell the other boy that the retard can't talk and he lets me leave. Retard? Is everyone nonwhite here that touchy about how people look at them? I never notice people's expressions when I walk past them and never assume they are talking about me when they use bad words. I was so upset I couldn't eat my lunch and went back to the dorms. Sarah was in her room when I walked by and stopped me to come in her room.

I explained why I was crying and wished I could go home. Sarah gave me a hug saying she knew how I felt. People think because she has an Asian face that she can't speak English or an illegal immigrant off the boat. She was born and raised in California as were her parents before her so she is 100% American. She also advised getting my school books after attending all my classes so I will have a shorter line to wait through. She is so nice, I'm glad to have her as a friend. But still, I want to go home. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Good night, Michelle.

January 27,1998
Sorry Diary for not writing a couple days. I have been sketching on notebook paper calendars for my class assignments. At the beginning of the semester the professors hand out a syllabus of all test dates and assigned reading for all the chapters they will be covering in class. I write down all the test dates and times to start studying for them. Then I write down all the chapters to read and stretch them over days to get all 100 pages read. I have four term papers to write so I better get started right away because I don’t think I have enough room on my word processor for all of them, and I need to tell Mommy I need more ink possibly. Chandie said I did this last semester because I am more organized than her. She suggested typing my papers on the school computers. The problem is I don’t have any disks to save my reports on. My Celtic World class I write in green, History of Mexico in red, History of Japan in blue, History of history in black, and my special topic in Women in History in purple. Each notebook paper side has a month on it.

I got my books yesterday, all 19 of them. All was well getting them and checking out, then I stepped on my shoelace and untied it. I put my book tower down on a step and some girl slaps me on the back of my head calling me a white bitch as if I stopped to tie my shoe to block her path on purpose. Then half way up the staircase some guy, white guy, pushes me into the center railing ordering me out of his way you fucking whore. That was definitely uncalled for. At least his two girlfriends called him a big meanie and helped me pick my books off the stairs. They made him apologize to me. On my way back, three books slid off the top causing half my books to fall into the snow. A nearby boy laughed and walked away. Other people walked by too without helping me. When walking up the stairs to my dorm room, everybody had to point out my shoe was untied. I knew it was untied on the second flight of stairs (I’m on the fourth floor) but didn’t want to get hit in the head for tying it again so I climbed carefully up the steps. I tied it when I finally put my books down. I am going to hate carrying them back when the semester is over. Good night, Michelle

January 29, 1998
Tonight was Movie Night in Sarah's dorm room. Ashley was there when I arrived. I told them both about my strange phone call today. A man claiming to be Devin's daddy called me to expalin how upset Devin was about my amnesia. He suggested sending Devin a Valentine's Day card to him soon since the mail is a little slow going across the ocean. I asked Ashley if she knew who Devin was. She said yes, but didn't tell me who he is. I said that when I asked Devin's father his last name and address that his father refused to tell me his last name. How can I send an envelope overseas without any last name? He said to use the last name Smith, the most common name and place stickers on the envelope flap to know which is my letter. He apparently gets a lot of mail. Why can't my friends who care so much about me not tell me who they are? I'm sorry I don't think I'm going to suddenly recall them and everything will be fine. Everything is not fine. I'm in hell and can't escape. My prison is my head.

Ashley says she understands though I don't think she really does. A group of girls enter the room talking to each other. We all say hello to each other and the girls sit down next to Ashley and I. Sarah is going through her tapes. Changing the subject, I confess to Ashley that I am afraid of my Mexican class speech and getting through it with everyone staring at me while I stamper out words. All of a sudden, Cheyenne storms out of the room. Now she claims I said I was afraid of her and that she stares at me too much. Sarah and Ashley come to my rescue and I say nothing. Cheyenne demands that I be kicked out of the party because she can't handle my presence. Sarah refuses because I have done nothing wrong. Cheyenne permanently leaves and her friends follow her. Other people show up and we watch 2 movies before returning to our dorms. I had a good time eating popcorn, drinking pop, and pointing out other movies that Madeline Stowe has been in. ashley was so happy I remembered something. I have to call Trent to tell hm that. If he will speak to me. Good night Diary, Michelle

January 30, 1998
I start writing notes in the library for my term paper topics. I spend a lot of time in the library now. I even do my homework in it while I'm there when I need a break from searching for books. I went by the giftshop to cash a check for a dime and picked up a Valentine for Devin. I found stickers of hearts to place on the envelope flap. While I was there, I got cards for other people too. One for Trent, one for my Mommy, one for Hazel, one for Lacey, one for Danni, and one for my sister. The black girl who checked out my merchandise was very nice so I was glad a nonwhite person didn't snap at me for looking at them the wrong way. I must come often to cash checks because the guy said my name before I wrote out my check. He asked if I did something different with my hair. I said I needed a change to something simple. he agreed. At least things are getting better. I hope Cheyenne gets over her problem with me. I don't thnk I can handle the stress. Good night Diary, Michelle.

Chapter 1

December 25, 1997
Merry Christmas Diary. My husband Trent gave you to me as his Christmas present to me, along with a diamond ring. He said since I wanted to be a writer that I should write, and write. What can I say about Trent? He was my hero in grade school. We met as I was being kicked around because someone decided I should not have any friends. He asked me why didn't I fight back and I answered that it was too hard to fight everybody at the same time. He was always the one person I could trust completely. We eloped last summer in Las Vegas when I interned at a movie company in California. We have mothers longing to break us up and I fear someday they will get their wish. I am still in school (Mother insisted) in Wisconsin while Trent quit college after I became pregnant with our 2nd child. His mother said she is not raising his kid anymore if he is going to have more. He works a job he hates to feed our daughter's face and I highly respect him for it. I stay in his apartment every school vacation and am trying to sell the rights to a movie script I finished this summer so we can buy a house. I want my daughter Lacey to have to the best in life, 2 parents who love her very much and a place to call home.

I better go diary, I hear Lacey calling me. I plan to engrave my new diamond ring with "I Love Trent". Yours truly, Michelle Tyler


December 27, 1997
I took my ring in to be engraved today. Yesterday was a nightmare visiting my in-laws with so many questions. How did we meet? When are we getting a house? When are you graduating? I can't be too mad at their curiosity, I am the new girl in the family. Mother was upset I engraved the ring because it won't sell if we get a divorce with Trent's name on it. I have no plans to get a divorce. Mother wanted me to get a prenup signed before we eloped, but I took care of things with my new will. I got the first will when I was hit with a brain tumor that was shrunk with radiation and removed when I was a teen. I wanted to make sure my Barbies went to my nieces and my ballerina jewelry box to my sister. My new will I made after we married states that my children get my possessions and my husband gets the insurance money (I had a life insurance policy since I was a kid). Next, I placed guardianship over the children and a clause if I became incapable of taking care of myself that I wanted Trent to take over my finances and property. None of my bank accounts have his name on them because Mother refused to let me add him to my accounts since her name was already there. The battle over my independence rages on.

Yours truly, Michelle Tyler


December 28, 1997, well technically the 29th
My Darling Michelle. It is 2 A. M. and I find myself writing in your private diary. I'm sorry to be writing in this, but you must allow me to explain that you are in a hospital tonight in a coma. We had a fight today over our stressful living arrangements and I begged you to leave school permanently. I'm sorry I miss you so much. I admitted to sleeping with somebody you know out of loneliness and you ran out the door crying. Screeching away from me, you lost control of your car and hit a tree a few miles away. A friend called me to say my wife had been in an accident in his front yard and an ambulance was on the way over. I sprinted over to discover you didn't know who I was. I held your hand and asked if you knew your name. You did not. You said a rabbit startled you and you skidded after jerking the wheel, but you could not recall anything before that. You went into labor with our twins and the paramedic could not get there fast enough to our liking. I was afraid of another miscarriage, but Juliet and Nicholas were born healthy. The paramedic ordered you to stay awake, but you passed in and out of consciousness on the way to the hospital. You are in the intensive care unit right now sleeping like a baby.

Your husband, Trent


December 30, 1997
There is a God, you woke up today. I want to keep a record of your progress so you can read it later and understand why I am about to betray your trust. I got a letter from a movie producer who wants your script. I explained the situation and he said he would visit you first before writing a check to me. Your will granted me the rights to your belongings to take care of our children if you became an invalid. You can not speak or even move your fingers to touch me. Your mother dropped by and kicked me out of the room. I'm sorry my love, but I got a lawyer to fight your mother contesting your will. We will go to court in January if I must to get your money and scripts out of your mother's tight grasp. You also have a couple poems I want to turn into songs. They are very good.

I'll write about you later Michelle. Juliet and Nicky came home today. I have my good friend Lauren helping me take care of them. She warms bottles and changes diapers so I can get some sleep. Thank goodness she works as a bartender so I can get my manufacturing job done before she leaves for work. Love, Trent


January 2, 1998
Round 2 with your mother. Today I managed to strap you into a wheelchair and take you out for a walk out in the courtyard. You scream like a banshee and I see the frustration in your eyes. You can sorta grab things and been given a computer to communicate with. Your mother insisted you do not need any therapy for your brain damage, you just need a week to heal and be back to your old self. You still look at me as if you don't know me, but I will keep trying. I love you. Trent


January 5, 1998
A miracle has happened. A nurse came to me ecstatic that you keep pressing a button that says hello and then you try to imitate the computer voice. I am still fighting with your mother over whose insurance will be covering your expenses at the hospital. You are both on my insurance and your parents'. Your mother is in denial that you have severe brain damage that needs more than rest to cure. You need physical and speech therapy immediately. God help me, but if I must go behind your mother's back to get you the help you need then so be it. I want my Michelle back home with me. We are going to court soon. Your mother never gives up control without a fight. I can see why you stayed in college when you desired to quit. Love, Trent


January 8, 1998
Our first court date had arrived in the bitter cold. I presented your will and our marriage certificate to prove I should be deciding your care while your parents provided testimony on your amnesia and being with me would only confuse you. You may have amnesia darling, but you recalled my name after I told it to you. What can I say to defend myself other than your face lights up when I walk into the room. Everybody I know says to leave you behind because you can't recall we are married, but you can learn what you used to be like. I sneaked in a speech therapist to work with you and you had a visit with a nurse for practice brushing your hair. You kept dropping the brush, but kept at it. The fighter in you has not disappeared, only your memory. Now you can't even remember the accident or the days afterwards. Neighbors have taken to placing flowers where the accident occurred. I placed some red roses you love so much at your tree to remember the wife I know for sure I have lost. It is getting harder to write in your journal, but I need to keep hope alive of your coming back home to me. I have not given up yet my love. Trent


January 12, 1998
Dear Mommy, Daddy won. We get to keep you with us when you come home. Daddy got the check from your story and we are looking at pretty houses for you. Daddy gave your diary to me today because he is staying at a hotel next to you. Yesterday you got to tell the judge that you can't remember getting married and think you are 12, but you are afraid of living with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma cried when the judge told her that Daddy has custody of you and ordered his name on all your bank accounts. Everybody says what a nice lady Grandma is, but she is never nice to us. Daddy had you moved to another room in the hospital where they have all the exercise equipment to practice walking with. Daddy won't let me see you anymore because you get so upset and confused when I call you Mommy. It's too weird to call you Michelle. You're my Mommy. Anyway, Daddy says you struggle to stand up, but take a few steps before falling down. Daddy tries to keep you walking, but you give up so easily. You must be very sad you can't walk. Love you Mommy, Lacey


January 14, 1998
We got on the Oprah Winfrey Show today. You were strapped to a wheelchair because you still have trouble sitting up for a long time. You stuttered out a few words, but Grandma did most of the talking. Daddy just sat there holding your hand. Oprah asked me how I felt about all that's happened. I told her that it really hurts not calling you Mommy anymore and everybody in the family is fighting what to do with you. Why can't they just stop fighting and make you better?, I asked her. Good question, she answered. You showed Oprah your progress walking a few steps. You looked like a Wobble Weevil toy and Daddy scolded me for laughing at you. Don't worry Mommy, you will get better soon. Daddy says you are coming home tomorrow. I can't wait to fall asleep so I can wake up to you singing in the shower again. I love you Mommy, I mean Michelle. Your baby, Lacey


January 15, 1998
Wow, I have a diary. I read this book that Lacey gave to me. It is so hard to remember things people tell me. I'm not 12 anymore, I'm 22. I'm married to Trent, who isn't 12 anymore either. We have a daughter Lacey and twins at Trent's aunt's house. It feels so weird looking at my things around the house, like I'm looking through a stranger's belongings. There is a painting of Hansel and Gretal gazing upon the witch's gingerbread house at the top of the stairs that Trent says I painted in high school. There are dolls along the living room wall and one has a green dress I remember getting from my Grandma as a little girl. Lacey says I gave her the green dress to remember that I love her when I was away at college because it was my favorite. That part I can remember. There is not much to report today. I just walked around the house trying to find something familiar. We looked at photo albums and I can't remember anything in the pictures. It is strange that there is another girl in the pictures Trent says is my daughter too, by another man. Oh my goodness, what kind of person did I become? Write in you later diary, Michelle

January 16, 1998
Oh my God. I don't know where to start. I cooked toast and poured orange juice for little Lacey when a lady came to the door and dropped off a girl I saw in the pictures yesterday. Her name is Danielle and she is my other kid. This lady didn't say who she was or who Danielle's father is, just that Danni wanted very badly to see me. I gave her a hug and finished our breakfast. Danni cried how sad she was not being allowed to visit me in the hospital, her Grandma would not allow it. Her father doesn't even know I had been hurt because he is far away in college and never calls. The poor girl had to talk her babysitter into coming here, she is a friend of Trent's and her father's. She had to come because she has nobody to talk to about me. She misses me at college, but her Grandma won't let her call me. Now that I'm here, she wants to visit more often. I call her school to explain my memory problems and asked if my daughter Danni could get counseling to deal with her sorrow from my not remembering her. I get placed on hold to hear someone say there is a psychopath on line one. A sweet lady answers and makes the appointment with Danni tomorrow. We wait for the babysitter to come back when the police appear stating I kidnapped Danni and that the school called them. What?? Lacey and Danni explain I just came home from the hospital yesterday, but the police remain silent writing everything they say down. They let me call Trent at work and left a message that the police are at our house. He explains I'm so dysfunctional I can't tie my shoes and can not have possibly kidnapped anyone. He says he will go to the school with me tomorrow and get family counseling with Danni. I'll tell you how it goes. Michelle

January 17, 1998
We all went to counseling today. Trent, Danni, Lacey, and me sat in chairs and told the counselor about my accident. Most of my family are in denial that anything is wrong with me. I just got a bump on my head. My friends are afraid to call me because they don't want to confuse me anymore than I already am. Trent said I forget things from one day to the next so he isn't sure what to do with me. His friend Lauren was suppose to help take care of the twins, but then went psycho on him when she heard I was coming home to him. I think somebody had a crush on Trent. Now they are at his aunt's house until I can take care of them better. Poor Lacey practically takes care of me. I try so hard to be normal but I it is impossible. I wish one friend would come out to save me. Danni has been assigned Mommy time with me under strict supervision with a teacher at the school. Danni's Grandma insisted I was just crazy and said she visited me in the hospital to prove I was fine. Trent said she yelled at me when I didn't answer her and untied the restraint on the wheelchair causing me to fall out onto the floor. He did his best to keep her away from me. She never brought Danni because I couldn't recognize people and she didn't want Danni to get hurt from that. She is hurting now. We played on the playground equipment with Lacey and Trent, under counselor supervision. The lady agreed I shouldn't be left in charge of the girls for long periods of time from my forgetful nature. I have good news though. My sister announced a visit and will teach me to run a house. I need all the help I can get. Later Diary, Michelle

January 18, 1998
My sister Marie came over to teach me laundry, cooking, and sweeping. Lacey helped with dusting and dishwashing. There is so much to remember I don't know if I can do this. We went to the park and spent Mommy time after school with Danni. Marie finally told me who Danni's father is, my childhood friend Weasel I have known since the first grade. Now I understand everything. Weasel's mom is the most transparent phony I ever met. Sure she is sweet as apple pie when you meet her, but the bitch from hell if you try to mess with her little boy. I remember her tweaking over my May Day basket in the second grade. My Mom thought she probably was angry because he didnÂ’t give me a basket. ThatÂ’s was ok with me, real friends donÂ’t demand things in return. A simple thank you is enough, like the one he gave in the window when he saw me come to his door. I usually didnÂ’t know who gave me May Day baskets anyway, it is suppose to be a secret.

Anyway, I got a call from a friend whom Trent called to tell me she was happy I was alright. She said her name was Hazel but works under a different name. She gave the impression she was rich and famous by saying there are pictures of her everywhere. Trent said I stayed at her house in Malibu during my internship and she flew in my nieces to be flower girls at our Las Vegas wedding. She is one of the witnesses who signed our certificate. We must have been close. I wish I could remember her too. I asked if we could meet and she said no, the shock would be too great for me to handle well. She asked who my favorite celebrity was. I said Madonna because she goes after what she wants and lets nobody get in her way. I want to be like that. She said maybe she could arrange for me to meet Madonna someday, but not making any promises of course. Tell you later if that comes true Diary, Michelle

January 19, 1998
God must hate me today. Marie took us shopping so I could learn how get all the ingredients I need and what needs to be constantly supplied, like milk. Next we shopped for shoes for Lacey. We come back and put everything away. Going up to Lacey's room to put her old shoes away, I caught Trent in bed with Lauren. How could they do that to me? They are suppose to be my friends. I knew Lauren since Kindergarten. Marie cussed at Trent and Lauren ran out of the house. Trent said I'm like making love to a kid from my brain damage. Lacey is crying in her room convinced she is never seeing me again cause I will get into another accident like last time. I want my Mommy. Michelle

January 20, 1998
I am back at Mommy's house today. While Trent was at work, I packed my things and left. I am not staying to be hurt again. Marie told me what was mine and what was Trent's. Poor Lacey went to Trent's aunt to visit the twins. I promised she would see me again and took a picture off the wall of her feeding ducks. It feels so strange walking into my parents' house again. Things are not the same as I remember. Mom has a quilt on the wall where gold decorations were and a coin collection on the wall holds a large picture frame Dad made of old pictures of us kids. I look at photo albums again and again trying to jog a memory. Marie stays going through my things in attempt (I think) to encourage memories, new if not old. She shows me my coin collection along with things I saved from my grandparents' house after they died. There are old books, wall decorations I remember, stuffed animals, and a candle in the shape of a cheese wedge with tiny plastic mice peeping out of holes in the wax. I go to bed feeling like I'm in a coffin waiting patiently to go to heaven. Why has God forsaken me? I badly need a friend to help me be normal again, but no one will help me. They all expect me to be someone else. If they want the person they knew before, they should write a script for me to follow. I can't remember who I was before. She is a total stranger to me.